Paranormal Activity 4: I guess this means we’re breaking up [SPOILERS]

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Dear Paranormal Activity franchise,

I’m sorry to do this over a letter, but we need to discuss our relationship. What happened to us, PA? I used to have your back! From the beginning, I thought we were made for each other. Remember how I ‘demanded’ you come to my nearby city all those years ago? No one would give you a chance. Many called the whole thing a gimmick. And yet, a loyal group of horror movie fans wanted in, including me. And it was awesome! To me you were tricky, smart, funny, and scary. I liked how you kept me guessing and were never too cheesy and obvious for me.

Not long after that, you decided to give our relationship another try. Much to my surprise, the second go around was also great. I didn’t believe it could happen. I now had to share you with others, but it wasn’t so bad. I knew at your core you were still for me. Remember that time in the kitchen when you made everything stick to the ceiling, but I didn’t realize until you sent it all crashing down without warning? Those were such good times PA.

Then you came around again. I was a bit apprehensive. Would we still have the same chemistry? Let’s both be honest. The honeymoon period was over. I felt like I had a good grip on what to expect from you. It wasn’t your best. But, we had some okay times then as well. The ghost sheet? Haha, I was creeped out and laughed with you. Oh, and playing Bloody Mary in the bathroom? You definitely out did yourself there. It was my adolescent fears of that game come true. You threw me for a curve with the witches. But, I accepted your witches and the token demon each witch family seemed to get. At least it made sense to me. Why Toby was hanging out all this time. It seemed he was waiting for a boy heir in the witch family and all. I thought that would be the end of us. It seemed the end because now he had Hunter and everyone in the family was dead. No one to interfere with the demon’s plan.  Bow out with some dignity and grace.

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I wasn’t expecting you to call in 2012. I thought we went our separate ways. We were just too different now. But, you dragged me out. And, I am a little sorry I went. Who were these new kids you were hanging out with? Sure, the guy named Ben grew on me. And I found myself sorta liking the Alex girl. But it wasn’t right. It wasn’t quite as natural as I would have liked. And the parents in that movie? Worthless and dumb. Then we have Robby and Hunter/Wyatt. What kind of name is Wyatt? And what, pray tell, is the purpose of Robby? And don’t tell me Robby will be important “down the line” because then I will know for sure you’ve been making this up as you went along. I saw our old friend Katie there. She didn’t seem enthused to be hanging out with us after all this time. And since she wanted Wyatt/Hunter “back” so badly, why did she get rid of him in the first place?? Why didn’t the 3,000 member witch cult kickin it (without reasonable explanation) in the back yard just hide her and Hunter underground until he was 5 and could willingly submit to his apparent destiny to be a….what exactly? A suit for a demon named Toby to wear?? You just lost me with that whole mythos change. And the mess with the Kinect? Why? Why did the children seem to be talking to the TV in those silly kinect scenes anyway? Was Toby living in the TV while not in the tree house or the little closet?

I could go on, but really why bother? We both know this is over. And yet, why do I have this feeling you’re going to come back around again? Hmm? Maybe try to sweeten the deal with a romantic getaway to Mexico?! Let’s both just remember the good times and keep it at that.

-Sandra

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Exit Humanity: Ole Time-y Zombies

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There is something reasonably awesome about historic horror movies. No cellphones, GPS, or internet. In fact, limited or no technology at all. Not to mention no smarmy, snarky attitudes about the creatures and monsters encountered. I guess people in the past still had a nice, healthy fear of God, the Devil and things that go bump in the night. This brings me to a Bloody Disgusting Selects film called, “Exit Humanity.” I had gotten home a few hours earlier from seeing the fantastic “Django Unchained” and decided I was still in the mood for something Western. Exit Humanity takes place not too not long after the American civil war when a Southern veteran finds himself in the middle of a zombie outbreak.

Our hero is named Edward. But we are actually told the story more by his descendant in the form of a voice-over reading Edward’s journals of the ordeal. Poor Edward. First of all, he could be any hipster off the Urban streets of today. He has the long-ish unkempt hair, a prize beard, white henley shirt, suspenders, tall boots, weathered leather jacket, journals like a fiend, and has a general displeasure with the world around him. Of course he does have valid reasons for his emo. Not only did he survive the hells of war, but the story opens with him returning from a hunting trip to find his wife zombified and his young son missing. He soon sets out to find the boy and kill lots of undead.

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Now here’s some cool stuff for you, the zombies are pretty tight looking. They have this chalky, pale white skin. And dark black eyes. They also give a good shamble walk and don’t seem to mind attacking in water. There are also some bad ass animated sequences spliced in. I guess you either love it or hate it, but I thought those scenes were pretty neat. Maybe an odd choice given the rather serious tone of the film. Yet, I liked it and found them well done.

The movie is divided into chapters. Chapter one sets the scene for the movie, and I was none too happy at first. Frankly, I was already getting tired of the hipster man sobbing and carrying on. Sorry if that sounds cold. Actually, I’m not sorry. Anyway, Chapter Two introduces us to a fellow survivor and veteran. His name is Issac and he has a very welcomed sense of humor. Poor dude has lost his family, and his sister has been kidnapped. It seems there is a corrupt old General (played by the iconic Bill Moseley) who is leading some of his men on a quest to out live, out last, rape and pillage. He also has a surgeon in his clutches trying to find a zombie cure. We get to meet that little crew in Chapter 3. In Chapter 4 we meet a totally awesome character named Eve played by Dee Wallace. Eve is an old timey medicine woman, but don’t get her confused with Doctor Quinn. Oh, and shes got a secret.

So all in all, I actually really liked this movie. In fact, I am being careful to not spoil it for anyone. I think it deserves viewing if you consider yourself a horror and/or zombie fan. There is a nice twisty-twist in there too. It took me until about halfway in Chapter Two to really start enjoying it. I wasn’t roped in by the Hipster figure and his sadness and the whole narration thing. I was pleasantly surprised to have really liked it and found myself engaged and along for this historic ride. I didn’t personally find the movie scary aside from a couple jumps, but I still liked it nonetheless.